Duplicity

Initially, I had no desire to see Duplicity. For whatever reason, be it Julia Roberts' involvement, the themes of corporate espionage (which I traditionally don't find very interesting), or a general lack of interest, I simply didn't have any reason to see it. I skipped it in the theaters, but having steadily heard good things about it since its release a year ago, I finally decided to give it a shot for March Madness. Short version: turns out I was totally wrong - I really dug this flick.

Duplicity

Writer/Director: Tony Gilroy

Starring: Julia Roberts, Clive Owen, Paul Giamatti, Tom Wilkinson

Tony Gilroy is an interesting cat. For those who aren't familiar, I'll give you a brief history of his work. He wrote The Devil's Advocate, co-wrote Armageddon with J.J. Abrams, wrote all of the Bourne films, and wrote and directed Michael Clayton back in '07. I have a strange disconnect with Michael Clayton: I remember liking the movie when I saw it, but now (almost two years removed from my first viewing) I could probably only tell you three or four things about it that aren't featured in the trailer. I don't think the same thing will happen with Duplicity; it has shades of Michael Clayton, but it is much more fun and has a lot going for it in the way of style.

I'll say right now that I'm not the biggest Julia Roberts fan. I don't think she's done anything great since the 2001 Ocean's Eleven remake (that's including the sequel, since they threw in that stupid subplot about Tess Ocean looking like Julia Roberts). But she was surprisingly cool in this movie; her "America's Sweetheart" persona is shelved in favor of a mirror image of Clive Owen's character: calculating, efficient, wise, slick, and kind of a badass. In this movie, both actors play former spies who have moved into the private sector. Working together (or are they?), the two infiltrate rival corporations dealing with consumer products. A big deal is about to go down, so Claire (Roberts) and Ray (Owen) plan to sell company secrets to the highest bidder and walk away rich.

The film uses an excellent flashback structure to reveal the true nature of the characters. For most of the film, we aren't sure as to how real Ray and Claire's relationship is: are they playing each other, or are they really in love? Even the characters themselves don't truly know until near the end of the movie, which makes us more invested as an audience: we want to know what's going to happen to these two people. Ray and Claire have essentially the same conversation multiple times at different points throughout, but each time it takes on a different meaning. I know that probably makes no sense to you if you haven't seen it, but trust me - it's great writing and makes for some really cool moments in the movie.

Giamatti and Wilkinson are fantastic as the two opposing corporate forces. They get involved in what essentially is a slap fight during the opening credits, and the scene (shot in ultra slow motion) is one of my favorite credit sequences of last year. Sliminess and confidence are perfectly embodied in their respective characters, which makes the end reveal all the more entertaining. Wilkinson seems to be enjoying what appears to be the beginning of a "Scorsese/DiCaprio" relationship, this being the second film in a row on which he's worked with writer/director Gilroy. For all of our sakes, I hope this relationship continues - Wilkinson is, in my mind, the prototypical Gilroy-ian actor.

I mentioned earlier that traditionally I'm not terribly interested in corporate espionage. But Duplicity glosses it with so much style, importance, and behind-the-scenes scheming that it feels as if nuclear secrets are on the line instead of a consumer product. The film's ability to take what appears to be ridiculously asinine content and treat it with weight and consequence is a main catalyst for the humor in the movie as well. Make no mistake, this movie is not a comedy, but watching these characters go through these incredible measures for something so absurd is pretty funny. The best example I can give is the scene in which Ray tells Claire about the frozen pizza market, getting excited because ham and pineapple have never been combined and sold in grocery stores before. (Again, I realize that probably doesn't sound very funny. But in the context of the movie, it's pretty amusing.)

I wouldn't dare give away the ending, since it may be my favorite aspect of this film. I can't even tell you if it's a standard ending or not, since that in and of itself would be a semi-spoiler, but I'll recommend that everyone who gives this movie a shot stick it out until the end.

Duplicity was way better than I thought it'd be, and most of that is due to the chemistry between Clive Owen (doing some great work here) and Julia Roberts. Tony Gilroy's smart script and impressive direction keep us invested throughout, and the control with which the story is told makes me excited for Gilroy's next writing/directing combo. Until next time...

Donnie Darko

What's happening, guys and girls? Sorry the reviews haven't been as quick and relentless as I had hoped, but here's something to tide you over until I actually get a chance to write a legit one.

Donnie Darko

Writer/Director: Richard Kelly

Starring: Jake Gyllenhaal, Patrick Swayze, Jena Malone, Drew Barrymore

This film is a cult classic, so I'd suggest giving it a watch even if for no other reason than so you can talk to people about it if it comes up at a party or something. Many of you have probably seen it by now anyway. And like I say at the end of the video, hopefully one day I'll be able to watch a legitimate version of this movie again and actually write up a "real" review. Until next time...

Chloe

Atom Egoyan's Chloe makes Basic Instinct and Fatal Attraction look like Pixar films. Stars Amanda Seyfried and Julianne Moore, working from a script by Erin Cressida Wilson, alternately provide sex appeal and a glimpse into a pitiful window of the monotonous and the mundane.

Chloe

Director: Atom Egoyan

Starring: Amanda Seyfried, Julianne Moore, Liam Neeson

Catherine (Moore) and David (Neeson) have a strained marriage. David is a college professor who is constantly flirting with waitresses and students, making Catherine long for the days when she was young enough to seduce him. When Catherine meets Chloe, a prostitute, she pays her to find out if David will respond to her advances. The two women meet periodically through the film, and Chloe reveals brutal details about her and David's romantic encounters. As the film progresses, Chloe intertwines herself in the lives of every member of Catherine's family, including her son, Michael.

This movie is definitely not for everyone. There are multiple graphic sex scenes (which, frankly, caught me a bit off guard), and both lead actresses are very..."generous" with their performances. [Note: joking aside, both actresses gave brave performances, contributing way more than just their bodies to their roles. I want to make that clear.] The pacing is a bit slow for my tastes, but there is a definite sense of atmosphere that Egoyan established well. Certain shots are partly obscured, shot through a pane of glass or a hanging curtain sheet, foreshadowing the very truths hidden throughout the film that come to light as it heads toward the climax.

Spoilers For Chloe In The Next Paragraph

There is a bit of a twist which most people should predict early in the film. Since we're in spoiler territory, I'll give it away. Chloe ends up becoming obsessed with Catherine, and every story about her romantic encounters with David were completely fabricated. The reason I say most people should pick up on this is because we are only shown those particular scenes in flashback while Chloe describes them to Catherine. We never see a real-time affair taking place between David and Chloe; Catherine is so regaled by Chloe's tales of sexual exploits with her husband (vicariously rekindling her rocky marriage) that she misses the warning signs of obsession until it's too late.

End of Spoilers

The cinematography was impressive, showing Catherine's plight with a sympathetic lens and subtly hinting at Chloe's malevolence. Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata" has rarely been used to more dramatic effect than in this film, when Catherine rejects Chloe's sexual advance; Chloe's face is shown in profile with a full backlight, and the haunting opening movement of Beethoven's classic begins as the shot lingers there and we stare into the inner workings of Chloe's psyche through Seyfried's gorgeous (but here, somewhat frightening) eyes.

Neeson elevated his one-note character as best he could, but I certainly wouldn't recommend this film based on his performance alone. It was adequate overall, but I felt like there was only one scene (outside the taxi) in which he truly committed to his character. Considering the fact that his wife tragically died while he was filming this movie and he decided, just days after her death, to come back and finish his work on the film, I think we can give him a pass this time around.

Sadly, the story felt a bit too familiar for me. This film, a remake of a 2003 French movie called Nathalie, was co-written by Nathalie's screenwriter and seemed to suffer from a bit of Hollywood syndrome. I haven't seen Nathalie, but I wonder how different (if at all) the ending is to Chloe, not shackled by the Hollywood system. As a general rule, I prefer judging movies on their own merits and try to avoid comparing them to other films; however, one could easily make the case that Chloe belongs in the same pack as the erotic thrillers of the 80's and 90's, but with an extra dose of Cialis tossed in to liven things up.

I can't shake the uneasy feeling that women are portrayed in a less-than-flattering light in this movie, although the beautiful actresses might lead you to believe otherwise. Chloe seems to condense Catherine's reason for existence into a typical "pleasing the husband" mindset and never devotes enough time to Chloe's character for the audience to understand her motivations. If you want to see more of Amanda Seyfried than you've ever seen before (both in terms of acting and, uh, assets) and more Julianne Moore than you'll ever want to see, Chloe is the film for you. Unfortunately, that's about all I can promise from this one. Until next time...

Mystery Team

(Update: I interviewed Derrick Comedy for GeekTyrant.com about Mystery Team. Check it out here.)

In 2005, the members of Derrick Comedy met at NYU and started producing short comedy videos for release on the internet. After substantial success online, the group decided to make their first feature film in 2008. The result is Mystery Team, a hilarious take on 80's kid detective stories that proves that the guys (and girl) of Derrick Comedy are here to stay.

Mystery Team
Director: Dan Eckman
Starring: Donald Glover, DC Pierson, Dominic Dierkes


In a quaint suburban town seemingly devoid of time period, a group of three former child detectives remains friends and still solves cases even though they're about to graduate from high school. Calling themselves the Mystery Team, the group dresses like overgrown children (Donald Glover's character buttons the top button of his polo shirt; DC Pierson's character has a perpetual bowl cut), still charges ten cents per case, and are berated by their schoolmates and teachers for not growing up. The group communicates via walkie-talkie, and even has a crude wooden stand set up in the front lawn with a hand-painted sign detailing their mantra: "No case too small, no case too tough."


There's Jason (Glover) the master of disguise; Duncan (Pierson), the boy genius; and Charlie (Dierkes), the strongest kid in town. When the Mystery Team gets a case from a young girl and her sister, they are shocked to discover this case isn't something simple like who stuck a finger in a pie (a case they solved early in the movie): the girls' parents have been murdered. The trio decides this is their chance to solve a serious case and prove to everyone that they're "real detectives."


This movie has a brilliant mix of innocence and filthy language. The dichotomy between these characters (who have never said a swear word before) and the ridiculous situations they get into, including run-ins with drug dealers, strippers, and psychotic corrupt employees, is fresh and original. Mystery Team feels like a Steven Spielberg movie from the mid-80's (or a flick with a similar tone, Monster Squad), but instead of keeping that innocence throughout, it's given an R-rated injection. Obviously, fans of Derrick Comedy will know what kind of humor to expect and will surely be pleased with the movie.


Donald Glover's performance is infectious and hilarious - with "Community" renewed for a second season and his Comedy Central stand-up act hitting the airwaves a few nights ago, he is poised to break into the next level of stardom. The rest of the cast, including guest spots from Aubrey Plaza ("Parks and Recreation"), Bobby Moynihan ("Saturday Night Live"), Ellie Kemper (Erin from "The Office"), and charismatic actor/comedian Matt Walsh, fit in perfectly with the universe created for this movie.

As far as complaints go, I felt like Charlie's character was a bit underwritten, but he was clearly the comic relief and didn't really need a huge backstory or important arc of his own. Also, Moynihan's character felt a bit incomplete, but that's because he was only able to film for a few hours over the course of one day for the production.


Director Dan Eckman did a good job of making the film feel cinematic, a task none too easy for a group known for their short online videos. My favorite shot in the movie, a long tracking shot on baseball field, was particularly impressive. There is, perhaps, and over-reliance on rack focus shots, but I feel like that's a typical crutch for first-time directors (I'm guilty of this as well) and I think it's an issue that I'm sure Eckman will correct with his next project.

If you're looking for a fresh R-rated comedy, here's your solution. I can't wait to see what these guys (and girl) put out next. Until next time...

Talk to Me

Like another based on a true story radio film, Good Morning Vietnam, Talk to Me chronicles the rise and fall of a radio DJ in the politically charged era of the 1960's. Although Robin Williams may have been funnier in his role back in 1987, I think Don Cheadle and director Kasi Lemmons created a better movie twenty years later - one that better balances the themes of racism, captures the atmosphere of activism, and revels in the passion of its man behind the microphone.

Talk to Me

Director: Kasi Lemmons

Starring: Don Cheadle, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Taraji P. Henson

It becomes more and more apparent to me that Chiwetel Ejiofor is becoming one of my favorite actors when I realize that I don't have to spell check his name anymore after I type it. In Talk to Me, he plays Dewey Hughes, the director of programming at WOL-AM in Washington, DC. Hughes was born in the projects but grew up watching The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson; learning more from Carson than he did from his surroundings, Hughes separated himself from his upbringing and made a name for himself in the radio industry. When a divide forms between the listener's tastes and the music being played at WOL, Hughes brings in Petey Greene (Cheadle), a fresh-outta-jail man who discovered his natural talent as a DJ in prison. Where Petey goes, his girlfriend Vernell Watson (Henson) isn't far behind, and as Petey's "tell-it-like-it-is" mentality causes his popularity to skyrocket, so do the station's ratings.

In some ways, the film serves as a warning against living vicariously through other people. Hughes, who always idolized Carson and longs for the gift naturally bestowed upon Petey, becomes Petey's manager and guides him through his meteoric rise to stardom. It's clear Petey doesn't want all of the new responsibilities given to him, but Dewey is too blinded by his own dream to deal with his friend's life.

Everyone in the cast did an outstanding job, including brief supporting turns by Martin Sheen and Cedric the Entertainer. Henson stole every scene she was in as the loud-mouthed Vernell, wonderfully decked out in costumes accurate for the time and seeming as if she were born to live in that era. But Don Cheadle took hold of this film and made it his; his performance as Petey Greene runs the gamut from cocky self-assuredness (when he first gets out of prison) to heartbreaking sadness (when he hears the news of Martin Luther King, Jr.'s assassination).

Technically speaking, this movie didn't give us anything new - but it worked exactly as it should have in context with this story. The cinematography, lighting, sound design, and production design were all crafted with one aspect in mind: highlighting the performances of the actors. Talk to Me isn't a movie with flashy editing or elaborate crane shots; this film doesn't need any of that. It is the story of a small unit of people and their journey through the world of entertainment, but more important than their physical journey is the professional and personal relationship formed between Dewey Hughes and Petey Greene. Stylistically, the film wisely chooses to stay grounded in reality instead of making us marvel at impressive directorial choices. (Although my favorite scene in the film, the first pool hall scene, was fairly stylized. But it shied away from being gimmicky, so I was OK with it.)

This is one of the best biopics I've seen. Even though it goes through some familiar paces, the enthusiasm of Greene's character pulls you through the sometimes-trite scenes and left me with a fresh perspective about a man who truly made a difference in the world of radio. Throw this in your Netflix queue (or whatever), because I'll recommend it for everyone. Until next time...

Kiss Me Deadly

Blockbuster.com says Kiss Me Deadly is "regarded by many critics as the ultimate film noir." I respectfully disagree. There are five or six noir films I can name off the top of my head (The Big Sleep, The Maltese Falcon, you get the picture) that fit this magical "ultimate film noir" criteria way better than this 1955 movie. Don't worry - I assume none of you have seen this, so I'm keeping this one short. Also - and if you've been reading this site for a while, you know I rarely do this - I'm going to give away the ending for you. This is your final warning - on the off chance that you've ever heard of this movie and don't want it ruined for you, turn away now.

Kiss Me Deadly
Director: Robert Aldrich
Starring: Ralph Meeker, Cloris Leachman, Albert Dekker


Based on the Mickey Spillane novel of the same name, Kiss Me Deadly was made near the end of what is known as the classical noir period (1940's Stranger on the Third Floor to Orson Welles' Touch of Evil in 1958). This movie treats the conventions of noir differently than any other noir I've seen: the tough protagonist private investigator, Mike Hammer (Meeker), is a sleazy P.I. instead of an honorable one. Hammer is a divorce specialist who makes a living by conning couples into thinking their significant other is cheating on them. While Bogart always seemed to play detectives who weren't afraid to rough people up if the situation called for it, this Mike Hammer character beat the crap out of anyone who stood in his way. Not only that, but he relished in the violence. This dude had no sorrow for what he was doing - I'm guessing Machiavelli was on his bedside table. In one example, a guy tailing him comes at him with a knife, and Hammer gets the better of him in a fistfight. But instead of knocking him out cold or, I don't know, just walking away, Hammer takes one last punch at the dude and sends him flying down a set of 200 concrete stairs. He watches him tumble all the way down with no remorse on his face. Sam Spade and Philip Marlowe would be disappointed.


I won't bore you with the details of the plot, since (in typical noir fashion) they are complicated as hell and the story winds in and out so many times I nearly lost track of what was going on. Basically, a woman named Christina escapes from a looney bin and nearly wrecks Hammer's car in the opening scene; he gives her a ride, but is promptly stopped by some thugs, sees Christina die in front of him, and is left for dead after he miraculously survives an explosion in his car. The story follows Hammer as he searches for the truth about Christina. He meets a chick named Lily, who claims to be Christina's roommate and is looking for a mysterious case. Surprise, surprise - she's not who she claims to be. Late in the movie when Mike finds the case in a locker, it is hot to the touch and emits a shrieking sound and light when opened (Mike barely cracks the lid before slamming it shut again).


And now, your Daily Dose of Nitpick. Lily doublecrosses her evil doctor partner in the end, wanting the mysterious contents of the case all for herself. She shoots him and he stands there and delivers a final speech before collapsing to the ground, dead. Mike rushes in, exchanges some banter with Lily, and then she shoots him at point blank range. He falls over, but apparently isn't dead. He has time to rescue Velda, his assistant and part-time love interest, from a closet before he guides her out of the exploding house. Nice continuity, guys - one dude gets shot and dies thirty seconds later, but the other (shot at a closer range, mind you) somehow wills himself out of the building?

But why did the house explode, you ask? Oh yeah, remember that case I mentioned earlier? Lily opens it like an idiot (after countless repeated warnings from the doctor), and is SET ON FREAKING FIRE when she stares into the light emanating from it. The entire room catches fire, eventually engulfing the entire house and causing a massive explosion the 1990's would have been proud to call one of its own. Mike and Velda avoid the Raiders of the Lost Ark treatment and end up safe on the beach outside, standing in the ocean and watching the explosion. End credits.



WTF? Like I said, this was unlike any noir I've ever seen. The contents of the box are a clear metaphor for the atomic bomb - the doctor character made multiple references to opening Pandora's Box, Lot's wife from the Bible...basically bringing up characters or people from history who have made massive mistakes that had fatal consequences. Remember, this was 1955 - Hiroshima and Nagasaki were still very much in America's collective consciousness. But including this box (kind of like an A-bomb version of the Pulp Fiction briefcase) into this story crosses the line from film noir into science fiction. Wikipedia refers to the movie as a sci-fi noir; I've heard that term thrown around for movies like Blade Runner before, but I've never seen it on display in a movie that disguises itself as a classic noir for the first 7/8ths of the movie before veering off so quickly into sci-fi territory.


Basically, this movie is all kinds of F-ed up. I knew it was going to be strange from the opening credits, which scroll up (think Star Wars intro) but backwards. (See example.) But I had no idea it'd be so off-the-wall insane. The threads that link one event to the next are thinner than dental floss, it has a blatant misogynistic slant (all the women are treated pretty horribly throughout), the minority characters are embarrassingly stereotypical (Nick, the mechanic, was the worst of the bunch) and it takes a turn way out into left field with its bizarre ending. This is hands down the darkest movie that I've seen in the genre. Most noirs are fatalistic and/or nihilistic, but this one ends with freaking nuclear annihilation! Would I recommend it? Only for the most loyal noir fans. I count myself as one of those fans (obviously), but I'm only convinced that this was worth seeing because of how batsh*t crazy it got towards the end. Until next time...

Hot Tub Time Machine

[Editor's note: Panther Joe also saw this movie and recently reviewed it at this very blog. Check out his review here.]

I've been a supporter of this film since the first day it was announced. How could I not? Hollywood is so heavy into reboots, remakes, prequels, sequels, and spin-offs, it's difficult to sift through all the noise and realize that there are occasionally original films still being produced. If anything, give Hot Tub Time Machine credit for originality. The title says it all: four guys go back in time to 1986 through a mystical hot tub time machine. But does the movie live up to its premise?

Hot Tub Time Machine

Director: Steve Pink

Starring: John Cusack, Rob Corddry, Craig Robinson, Clark Duke

Adam (Cusack) has been unceremoniously dumped by his girlfriend. Jacob (Duke), Adam's nephew, is obsessed with Second Life, lives in his uncle's basement, and writes Stargate fan fiction. Nick (Robinson), a one-time singer, now works at a pet store, where he is forced to perform humiliating tasks. When Lou (Corddry) nearly kills himself in his own garage, the group of former friends (and Jacob) reunite to cheer Lou up by returning to a lodge they frequented in years past. Soon after arriving at the now-dilapidated lodge, they end up in the titular hot tub and travel back to 1986, giving the guys a chance to fix their disappointing lives.

To answer my own question, yes - I think the movie does live up to its premise. While I think it is a largely by-the-numbers comedy, it has a heart that is rare these days outside of the Apatow comedies. Each actor gives a genuine performance, and each character has a pretty legitimate arc. There is a decent mix of raunchy humor and good situational comedy, and the movie never feels long or drawn out. I'm betting a funnier movie comes along before the year is over, but for right now it's the funniest comedy of 2010.

There are also a lot of funny details that make the movie more likable than it should be. One such detail is a running gag featuring Crispin Glover's character Phil, a bellhop at the lodge. When the group arrives at the lodge in 2010, Phil is missing an arm; when they time-travel back to '86, he still has it. Throughout the movie, Phil finds himself in increasingly precarious positions with the potential to lose his arm and our main cast (especially Lou) is always on the lookout to see if they can witness the infamous incident.

Surprisingly, the aspect I had the most trouble with was the time travel. I would have no problem if they were magically transported to the past with no explanation and no hint as to why it happened, but Chevy Chase plays a janitor at the lodge who seems to know exactly what's going on. He knows our heroes have traveled through time, and offers vague hints as to the reasoning behind it, but his character is never explained. How does this guy know what's going on? Has this type of thing happened before? Is he some sort of guardian, like in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade? His back story is never revealed, and while I certainly don't need an entire origin story on the guy, a bit of context would be nice. Most importantly, his character isn't funny. If you're going to write a comedy with the mystical sage janitor offering advice, I'd suggest making that character's screen time funny - especially when he doesn't do a lot to truly help the guys out in the end.

That being said, one thing I did like about how the movie handled the time travel was the appearance of the main characters. To everyone else at the lodge in 1986, the main group looked the same as they did back in '86 - big hair for Craig Robinson, tall and skinny for Cusack, etc. I liked how the film showed us what they looked like a few times, but didn't keep returning to the young versions of these characters. They let their main actors continue to play themselves, and the 1986 people treated them as if they were the younger versions of themselves. One of the funniest examples of this comes in the form of Lou's nemesis, a ski instructor named Blaine. Since our heroes return to a 1986 in which they were actually present the first time around, Jacob suggests that they must try to recreate the exact events of the night in order for him to be born.

I was pleasantly surprised to see Lizzy Caplan in the movie. I've been a fan of her work for a while now, having seen her in TV's "Freaks and Geeks," the excellent new Starz show "Party Down," and in the role of Marlena in Cloverfield. Sure, her and Adam's love story didn't make a lot of sense, but it was still fun to see her keep up with a cast that looked like they had a great time making a funny movie. Actors can take things too seriously sometimes, so I'm glad to see that everyone was seemingly on the same page about what kind of movie they were making. This is a movie where Craig Robinson says, "it must be some kind of...hot tub time machine," and then looks directly in the camera for about three seconds. Clearly they know they're working with a ridiculous concept.

I loved the music, which features songs by Poison, Motley Crue, and Rick Springfield (listen to Craig Robinson's cover of "Jessie's Girl" at Entertainment Weekly). Nick, once a singer with potential, gets back on the stage in 1986 and pulls a Back to the Future, giving the audience a taste of a famous song to come. I won't spoil which song it is, but I will say that I'm not a fan of the song (or the band responsible, for that matter) but hearing Robinson and Co. sing it had me rocking out just as hard as the crowd in the movie.

If you liked the trailer, chances are really high that you'll like the movie. Most of the main gags are given away in the trailer, but like I said, there are still a bunch of smaller funny moments that make it worth seeing. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention - the ending is absolutely ludicrous, so don't say I didn't warn you. Until next time...

The Stepfather

A Panther Joe Excuse

Director: Nelson McCormick
Starring: Dylan Walsh, Penn Badgley, Sela Ward
Release: 2009

I didn't have many expectations for this movie other than it seemed like a more practical version of The Shining in half the time. I am hardly disappointed when it comes to an effort like this, but this production was just underwhelming.

The movie starts out like any other typical family...you know, the one where the oldest son is sent to a military school and the husband has been discharged from the household, so the wife has no one to hold on to other than her two significantly younger children who could have been easily played by a Shiba Inu and a Roomba, respectively. You know, Mom, once is a fluke but two means you are a terrible person. Sure, he may have been a hellraiser with no ambition, but you raised him. No sympathy for you.

No sympathy considering it only took you six months to get engaged to the 'replacement father' who doesn't want to get a job and only carries cash. I hate to spoil it for anyone else who may buy this gem on blu-ray, but HE IS THE KILLER!!! The premise of this movie was terrible, and it's more baffling to think this is based on a true story. The first scene in the movie portrays what he arguably does best, the systematic slaughter of families with the precision of a serial killer genius, yet he can't even shave himself without gashing his face.

You end up getting this speedball of absolutely no suspense nor sympathy for many of the characters. This guy is more shady than a Farsi-speaking redneck being slyly chased by Kiefer Sutherland and Batman simultaneously. There are several, several enormous red flags that this guy was going to take a meat tenderizer to somebody's dome sooner than later, but the most egregious came when "Stepdad" took a Crystal vase over the head of "Realdad," with crashing vengeance and neither the military badboy nor the Roomba went to investigate. "Oh, it's probably nothing."

And then you go to check in on Stepdad in his basement where he keeps several locked cabinets and a meat locker, but don't go all the way down the steps where he is finishing off your biological father? What in the hell are you thinking? His father was supposed to stop by that night, his taxi pulls up, there is a thunderous crash, the stepdad sounds like he is staging his own backyard wrestling match in the basement, and then the father doesn't call to check in but rather texts you?

The more I talk about this film the more it pisses me off knowing the director and writers think the consumers are this retarded. Everybody on camera knew this dude was a junior varsity Gacy. Even other members of the family attested to his creepiness, yet the mom (Ward) didn't want to believe it because she couldn't wait more than the length of a baseball season to insert a stranger she met at the Piggly Wiggly to become head of the household, especially with the eldest son shipped off. Needless to say he was pissed.

The son, Michael, (Badgley) and his girlfriend Kelly (Amber Heard) were the only aspects of this film that were worth three damns. Michael was the only one who continually questioned who this guy was but since he was some high school screw-up, what did he know? Other than some creep-ass was plowing his dead-behind-the-eyes mother. The only scene worth noting was a dialogue between Michael and Kelly talking about this new guy and life in general, set to the very best of Band of Horses. If that shit doesn't moisten your eyes, I don't know what will.

But really, let's talk about Amber Heard. McCormick and crew knew they had to marble the movie with something awesome and they found her in the form of Amber, who fit in as a high school student about as well as I would now. She also looked like she hadn't eaten in several days, but she trounced around the entire time in bikinis and underwear, so her character lent us a nice gloss to an otherwise unprotected turd.

I've never heard of Nelson McCormick, but that's probably because he almost exclusively directs network television crima-dramas, or "cramas." As a fan of a few of these shows, I know that no series is safe from the occasional dud or 'what was that?' episode. Unfortunately, McCormick laid an egg with this one and it just happened to be two and a half times longer than a throwaway television episode.

Overall, this movie blew, and I only reserve that word for the slimiest of the bunch. This movie actually put me to sleep for a brief moment, and yet I felt no need to go back and watch the minute or so I missed. What, you say he is finally going to find that body in the meat locker down there? I felt that the orchestra that plays at the Oscars to signal winners to wrap it up should have started up during this film. The Stepfather is also a remake of a movie of the same name from the 80's, but seeing as how movies only get better as time goes on (sorry, but Lord of the Rings craps all over any of the Star War movies), I can only assume the original is nausea-inducing. I also base that on the fact that I watched both versions of Black Christmas back-to-back, so yeah. Take my word for it.

Alice in Wonderland (2010); You’ve got a very important date.

Alice In Wonderland

Directed by Tim Burton

Starring Johnny Depp, Mia Wasikowska, Helena Bonham Carter, Anne Hathaway

Guest Review by Becki Pearson

I love Tim Burton as much has the next person and I was SO excited when they announced the production of this film. But I was so disappointed. I only truly felt like it was a Tim Burton film when I focused on the wardrobe. The overall appearance of the movie wasn’t as dark and twisted as I wanted it to be or expected it to be. But the costumes, settings, and computer graphics were all definitely under the influence of Tim Burton’s unique style.

Some of the same events that occurred in the first book/movie happened in this one as well. The same characters were there and recognized her, but the story seemed to be written like everyone in the audience had no idea what had happened. I understand that a percentage of the film’s viewers haven’t been introduced to the movie/books/story, but things were explained only to a level that made us consider them strange and unrealistic, but then made us wonder why they were only mentioned. The story seemed like it was so dumbed down for the masses. There was an unfilled prophecy aspect to the story that ruined the movie for me. They told her what was going to happen, she denied her own ability, and then it happened. It just became boringly predictable and barely even entertaining. (Honestly, I started making up my own story involving a long drawn out romance between Alice and The Mad Hatter. It was pretty awesome, actually.)

There are some unanswered questions that still bother me when I think back on the film. So, Alice had been having a dream since she was very young. A dream which turned out to be her reliving her already lived experience as her first time in Wonderland. So, if she had been constantly dreaming the same thing over and over again, why is it that she didn’t know exactly what to do when presented with the same situations and conflicts?! For example, the consumption of the shrinking liquid in the bottle and the growing potion of the cakes. Why was she so confused if, in theory, she had dreamed the same event every night that week?! Also, if she had been there before and everyone else remembered her, why didn’t the Queen of Hearts recognize her?!

Anyways, I thought Mia Wasikowska was cast pretty well as Alice. She reminded me SO much of the girl from Disturbia, I just couldn’t stop thinking about that. Then again, it’s kind of hard for me to completely agree or disagree with their casting decisions because I don’t have any other idea of Alice other than the 1951 animated film, so with that knowledge, I’d say she did a pretty good job.

I love the Queen characters. I don’t really have to even mention this, but Helena Bonham Carter was amazing as the Queen of Hearts. When I first heard that her head was going to be digitally enlarged three times I had no idea how it was going to work, but it was pretty excellent. The White Queen on the other hand…… not so much. Anne Hathaway’s portrayal of the White Queen made me sick to my stomach. She was flaunty and dreamy to a point that she too looked stupid and unintelligent (and maybe a little stoned.) She didn’t even look pretty. Maybe it was just because of my personal disliking of Anne Hathaway, but it was just way to much for me to handle.

I think I was more disappointed with Johnny Depp than anything else. He usually brings a little something extra and special to each character, but this one? Absolutely not. I’d say a little different from Jack Sparrow- but exactly the same as Willy Wonka. The same strange little flashbacks and a bent, twisted past. It’s like the character of The Mad Hatter was completely re-written to better suit him.

I feel that if Disney didn’t have such an important role in the making and production of this film that it could have been so much better. Throw in some humor or innuendos for the adults stuck in the theater. Something.

Well... kids will enjoy it at least, but only because they don’t know any better : (

The Beach

The Beach seems to occupy a special place in Leonardo DiCaprio's filmography. Mention the movie among film-literate people, and you're sure to receive eye-rolls across the board. As the film progressed, I found myself wondering what these people were talking about - the movie wasn't bad at all! Slowly, however, the movie suffered from a fate similar to Mark Wahlberg's Rock Star: a great premise, solid opening, and an entertaining second act lead to a hallucinating finale filled with hysteria and cliche. Perhaps the similarity is less coincidental and more a snapshot of the time, since the two films were released in 2000 and 2001, respectively.

The Beach

Director: Danny Boyle

Starring: Leonardo DiCaprio, Virginie Ledoyen, Tilda Swinton

Richard (DiCaprio) is a young American backpacking his way across the world in search of an ultimate adventure. He is disillusioned with his travels, discovering that everyone around him (even in foreign countries) just watches TV and checks into hotel rooms to "surround themselves with the comforts of home." Screw this, Richard says. After a chance meeting with a lunatic (fantastically portrayed by Robert Carlyle) results in Richard receiving a map to an isolated island paradise, he grabs the French couple in the hotel room next to him and they head out on their grand adventure. Soon after arriving, though, they quickly find out things aren't as they imagined.

Danny Boyle (Trainspotting) brings his kinetic visual style to the movie, providing a good taste of a directorial style honed in later years with films like Sunshine and Slumdog Millionaire. I was totally into the first two thirds of The Beach: the acting was good all around (including the film debut of Virginie Ledoyen), the story was intriguing, the production design was great (the explorers discover a functioning community on the island, like Swiss Family Robinson on steroids), and the movie was gorgeously shot, helped drastically by its beautiful locations.

In fact, the locations were one of the most important elements of this movie. The filmmakers had to find a secluded beach encased by large cliffs to reinforce the fact that these characters live in an isolated community shut off from the rest of the world.

Abruptly, DiCaprio's character goes off the deep end into a jarring mental transformation. A character named Keaty (one of my favorites - he was like a young Mr. Eko from LOST - played by Paterson Joseph) makes the same observation, pulling Richard aside and asking, "what's wrong with you? Just a couple of weeks ago you were fine!" It was this quick left turn into Crazytown that ultimately held this film back from potential greatness. At one point, Richard is running through the jungle and his world switches into Video Game Mode, like a game from the Sega CD or something.

I think the movie's biggest fault is it tries to tackle too many distinct themes over the course of the running time. There's a "Lord of the Flies" feel to the island; mixed with messages about conservation, isolation, self-preservation, community, adrenaline rushes, betrayal, and loyalty, there are simply too many cooks in the kitchen. This isn't to say that individually, these themes aren't conveyed adequately - quite the opposite. Scenes in which our trio of heroes swim to the forbidden island, leap from a waterfall (pictured above), and narrowly avoid detection in a massive dope field fire on all cylinders and get your pulse pumping. I just think these scenes work better on their own and ultimately comprise a movie that feels a bit all over the map.

A brief interesting connection: "The Beach," the novel on which this film is based, was written by Alex Garland. Garland went on to write the screenplays for 28 Days Later and Sunshine, both again directed by Danny Boyle.

If you're a die-hard DiCaprio fan (like myself), then I'd recommend checking out The Beach. All of the performances in the film make it highly watchable (even Tilda Swinton, who I normally loathe, did some nice work here), despite the story going off the rails toward the end. Until next time...

Cobra

Take Sylvester Stallone. Add aviators, a black trench coat, tons of guns and any disregard for human life. Cook on high octane for 90 minutes and you'll be enjoying a heaping helping of Cobra, the baddest snake to ever work for the LAPD.

Cobra (1986)
Directed by George P. Cosmatos
Starring Sylvester Stallone, Brigitte Nielsen and Reni Santoni

"I'm a doctor 'cause I chew on a matchstick...sucka!"

This movie had so much potential, since it took some of my favorite elements from the action movie genre and threw them all together. However, like a famous painting, lots of good colors combined may make the Sistine Chapel, but other times it may just make the color brown.

Cobra was all over the place! At first it reels you in with Sly's take-down at the grocery store, and although it delivers on the action, it takes advantage of the action movie fan's ability for cognitive thought. So, without further ado, let me introduce my companion through this review: fellow action movie lover, COBRA Commander.

"Greetings, worthless drones! On my downtime, when I'm not trying to takeover the world, I like to sit back with a couple of Mike's Hards © and enjoy a good Sylvester Stallone movie. Rocky was good, so was Rambo. And I have nothing to complain about from Cobra...EXCEPT EVERYTHING!!!!"

Well, COBRA Cmdr, we seem to disagree here. Let's break it down...

Story
It starts out simple enough: Cobra's an out-of-control cop with the LAPD, and his "by-the-book" lieutenant is always chewing out his ass for destroying public property. It just so happens that the grocery store psycho was just the tip of the iceberg; a string of seemingly unrelated murders have been occurring for the past couple months, and of course the inept LAPD has been looking for ONE guy, while Cobra thinks it's a whole army of killers. Naturally, they don't believe him through the entire movie.

Enter Ingrid, a no-name model who becomes the psycho gang's next target...

"But why?? She's only portrayed as a M-List celebrity at best. It's not like she's on TV or anything, so why are these guys after her?? They don't even explain the killings that happen on-screen. What is the chain of events that lead the gang to this one, seemingly unnoticeable and irrelevant character. Ugh, my hood is getting all hot from my breath, I better calm down..."

Don't worry, we'll get to that. Cobra is put in charge of protecting Ingrid for the rest of the film after a failed attempt at her life by the main psychopath killer that dressed up like a hospital janitor.

"Wait wait wait...you're telling me there was NO ONE on her entire floor at the hospital to help her while she was being attacked? No guards, no security cameras? Nothing?!? I mean, I was kind of scared, but then I realized that I have no idea why they're after her. I'd prefer for her to get captured or killed so the story could unfold..."

Ah, but that never happens. For the entire film, you never know why the gang is around, their mission, nothing. The phrase "new world order" is thrown around maybe twice, but that could mean anything.

"Yeah, and what's the deal with the axes?? Every time the psycho gang meets they bang axes together for like six hours, then roll out on motorcycles and use guns?? Use a f*cking axe if you're so obsessed with them! Where do you store all those axes? So many questions!"

Characters
Stallone was pretty awesome as Cobra, with his Dirty Harry-esque approach to law protection. With the exception of a couple bad one-liners at the end (I guessed they thought saving them all until the end would save the lack of plot elements), I would say Stallone really packed a punch with Marion Cobretti.

"Cobretti? Cobretti?? My name is actually COBRA!! There wasn't even a cobra in the movie. You would think he'd have a pet or something, just for a realization that 'Oh hey, okay, that's how he got the name.' And what's the f*cking deal with all the health food talk. Was this paid for by the USDA? Do they show this movie in schools during Green Week or something. This GI Bloes!"

Now I've seen Brigitte Nielsen recently, and for whatever reason (drugs, alcohol, a fight with a rabid coyote), she looks absolutely awful. But in this movie, she was gorgeous. I can understand why Stallone fell for her, and it makes me all the more anxious for my viewing of Red Sonja (1985), regardless of how retarded it may be. As an actress, she did quite well; she never zoned out, forced out emotionless lines of dialogue or was just a pretty face. Other than her unknown motivation in the story, I'll give her props.

The dialogue in the film was also very good, up until the very end. The film really fell apart at the end. They had me for the first 75 minutes...

"And then the producers nut-shot you from behind. Why the hell does Cobra take her out of town, and bring along a no-name cop who inevitably betrays them (not a spoiler)? And for the love of Destro, WHY IS THE ENTIRE GANG AFTER HER?!?!? Nothing, they give you nothing. I mean, yeah the action was really bad-ass, but cripes, I get more story from my Great Aunt Marley, and she's been huffing arsenic since the 1940s!"

Final Thoughts
Overall, this was a high-adrenaline film with satisfiable action sequences topped off with a cool-looking Stallone and the "only hot in the 1980s" Nielsen. It's your archetypal cop movie with the stiff lieutenant who rides Cobra's ass about city property damage, but then pats him on the back at the end after completely leveling the motor home town. It works in elements of a thriller/horror during the murder scenes, and then really pumps you up during the chase/shoot-out scenes. With solid action, a cool protagonist but a very weak story and ending, Cobra deserves at least one showing in your lifetime. But make sure you don't watch it with COBRA Commander, he gets really pissed about it...

"What the hell? How is that 1950s hunk of junk still working? He intimidates people with that car? Seriously? And why don't those Hispanics kick his ass, I mean Stallone hit their car. And what's with the factory at the end, does everything just instantly catch on fire because people are walking around? There has to be a safety regulation for that kind of stuff... Wait, the bad guy is still squirming after having a HUGE metal hook dug into his spine? Really? No, really, you're joking right?"

NOTES:
[1] Ben's thoughts on all Stallone movie names.
[2] Cobra was actually based on a book called Fair Game by Paula Gosling.